Dear Santa

[RobinW]

Dear Santa

I would be thrilled to receive one of the new Tormek FANTASY machines

I understand this machine will be on the market before Christmas. Unfortunately I am having problems finding within the advertising literature for which Christmas it will be available.

In case you do not have a specification sheet to hand, may I take the liberty of listing the specification, below so you can identify the correct model:-

Tormek FANTASY – Futuristic Automated Nano-Technology And Sub-atomic Yearning

This amazing machine is the result of an evening's design consideration, suitably aided by the odd glass or two of aqua vitae – particularly the kind with some peat influence. The machine's design accommodates automatic solutions to all of the problems raised on the Tormek Forum. In fact so good is this new machine, it is in danger of making the Forum obsolete.

Buy using a combination of nano technology to grind the tools to the desired profile, and subsequent sub-atomic polishing of the cutting edge, never before levels of sharpness, accuracy and repeatability can be achieved. In fact Tormek cannot specify the degrees of sharpness, linearity, square accuracy; or any other metric, as they are too fine for measurement without an electron microscope.

The machine comprises two units – the central body and a series of sharpening modules which interlock on to the central body. The various sharpening modules cover flat blades (chisels and plane blades); curved blades (carving chisels and turning gouges); scissors; knives (kitchen or outdoor).

Each sharpening module incorporates a self sealing slot, into which the blade or tool to be sharpened in inserted and automatically locked.

On the central body, there is the single green button. After inserting the tool into the self sealing slot, the tool is automatically locked and assessed for 30 seconds by the Tormek FANTASY to determine previous sharpening profiles, the amount of wear or damage, and computes the best profile to be ground. If it cannot determine any suitable parameters from the tool's current status, it will resolve the matter and grind a profile which the machine self determines. When the green button illuminates, indicating that the assessment process is complete, press and hold down the green button for one second. The Tormek FANTASY will then, and here's the really clever part, sharpen that blade without any further input from the owner. After 30 seconds of nano-technology grinding and sub-atomic polishing, the green pushbutton lamp will be extinguished, and the tool unlocked allowing it to be withdrawn and ready for immediate use.

Scissors do not need to be opened – the machine automatically determines the location of the two edges to be sharpened and will undertake the necessary grinding and polishing whilst the scissors remain closed.

There is no problem concerning the squareness of straight blades like chisels or plane blades. If the machine determines any inaccuracy along either side of the blade, it will resolve any inaccuracy, so that perfectly rectangular blades will result. It will also resolve any twist along the blade.

To complete this groundbreaking machine's presence, it will retail at 400 for the central body and 150 for each type of sharpening module. (The currency strangely has not been specified.)

So advanced is this flight of fantasy machine, it's unlikely to to be matched by any competitor.

Looking forward in anticipation.

[Ken S]

Sorry, Robin.

This new machine will only be available in England.

(Maybe you could get Rob to smuggle one north to you. It might cost you a few pints.)